Relationship Counselling and Couples Therapy in Carlton North, Melbourne
The Argument Isn’t the Problem
You know the one.
It starts small.
Dishes left in the sink.
A text not replied to.
A tone of voice.
And suddenly you’re having the same fight you’ve had a hundred times before.
The same words.
The same reactions.
The same ending:
Distance.
Frustration.
Resentment.
Or silence.
If you’ve ever found yourself wondering:
Why do we keep having the same argument?
How did we become so disconnected?
Why does everything escalate so quickly?
Why can’t I get through to them?
Can our relationship get back to how it used to feel?
Relationship counselling can give you somewhere to understand what is happening between you and begin finding a different way through it.
At The Urban Alchemist in Carlton North, we offer relationship counselling and couples therapy for people navigating conflict, disconnection, intimacy, trust, communication and the many complicated realities of sharing your life with another human being.
We welcome people of different ages, cultures, sexual orientations, relationship structures and gender identities.
Relationship counselling is available in Carlton North, with Telehealth options also available.
Book Now!
Not sure whether Relationship Counselling is right for you? Contact our team on (03) 9347 9247.
Is Relationship Counselling Right for You?
You don’t need to wait until your relationship is hanging by a thread.
Relationship counselling may be useful if you’re experiencing:
- Repetitive arguments
- Communication difficulties
- Emotional distance
- Relationship dissatisfaction
- Trust concerns
- Intimacy difficulties
- Sexual concerns
- Parenting conflict
- Different expectations within the relationship
- Financial stress
- Family pressures
- Cultural differences
- Difficulties after becoming parents
- Major life transitions
- Mental health challenges affecting the relationship
- Addiction or substance use concerns
- Separation or divorce
- Uncertainty about whether to stay together
- Difficulties reconnecting after a period of stress
- Patterns from previous relationships that keep appearing
- A relationship that is basically good but could be better
You can also attend relationship counselling individually.
Sometimes the relationship you want to understand isn’t your current one.
It might be the one that ended.
The ones you keep choosing.
Or the mysterious reason you seem to keep dating the same person in slightly different trousers.
All excellent material.
Fees and Rebates
Fees, rebates and funding arrangements can vary according to the clinician providing your appointment and the service you receive.
Generally, no referral is required to book private relationship counselling.
If you’re hoping to claim a rebate on HICAPS or want to confirm the current appointment fee before booking, contact our reception team on (03) 9347 9247.
Ready to Change the Pattern?
You don’t have to wait until you’ve had the same argument another forty-seven times.
Sometimes understanding what is happening between you is the beginning of being able to do something differently.
Book Now!
Not sure which appointment to book? Contact our team on (03) 9347 9247.
When Signals Get Scrambled
In close relationships, we’re constantly communicating more than the actual words we’re saying.
Underneath everyday interactions can sit much more vulnerable questions:
Do I matter to you?
Are you there when I need you?
Can I trust you?
Do you understand me?
Are we okay?
Am I safe being vulnerable with you?
When a relationship becomes strained, those underlying messages can get spectacularly scrambled.
Instead, what comes out might look like:
- Criticism
- Defensiveness
- Withdrawal
- Shutdown
- Avoidance
- Anger
- Reassurance seeking
- Pursuing
- Repetitive arguing
- Going completely silent
- Bringing up every grievance since approximately 2007
And underneath all that noise might be something much softer:
I miss you.
I’m hurt.
I feel alone.
I’m scared I’m losing you.
I don’t know how to reach you anymore.
Couples therapy can help slow these interactions down enough to understand what is actually happening.
The Cycle Can Become the Problem
Couples can become trapped in predictable patterns.
One partner pursues while the other withdraws.
One criticises while the other becomes defensive.
One gets louder while the other gets quieter.
One desperately seeks reassurance while the other feels increasingly overwhelmed.
Then each person’s reaction becomes evidence for the other’s fear.
See? You don’t care.
See? Nothing I do is ever enough.
See? You always leave.
See? I can’t talk to you without it becoming a huge thing.
And around you go.
Over time, the pattern itself can become one of the biggest problems in the relationship.
Couples therapy can help you recognise these cycles earlier, understand what contributes to them and practise responding differently.
The goal isn’t to determine which person is officially The Difficult One.
Although we understand there may already be strong opinions on that subject.
It’s to understand what’s happening between you.
Why Do Small Arguments Become So Big?
Sometimes you really are arguing about the dishes.
But sometimes the dishes have somehow become representatives for an entire relationship.
You didn’t do the dishes.
becomes:
You don’t notice how much I do.
which becomes:
I’m carrying this relationship by myself.
Meanwhile:
Why didn’t you do the dishes?
might be heard as:
Nothing you do is good enough.
which becomes:
I’m constantly failing you.
Suddenly there are two people arguing intensely about crockery while actually defending themselves against much bigger fears.
Relationships are impressive like that.
Therapy can help uncover the meaning that has become attached to these interactions.
Human Beings Are Wired for Connection
Close relationships can provide comfort, companionship, affection, belonging and safety.
Which also means they can make us extraordinarily vulnerable.
When an important relationship feels threatened, people don’t always respond with beautifully articulated emotional insight.
Sometimes we protect ourselves.
Attack.
Withdraw.
Defend.
Placate.
Control.
Shut down.
Become intensely logical.
Become intensely emotional.
Or attempt to resolve the entire future of the relationship at 1:14am.
These strategies may make sense when we understand what they’re protecting.
But that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re helping anymore.
Relationship counselling creates an opportunity to notice those patterns and develop more useful ways of connecting.
From Conflict to Connection
Couples therapy isn’t about eliminating disagreement.
Two separate humans sharing a life will disagree.
Frankly, it would be slightly alarming if you didn’t.
The question is what happens when you disagree.
Can you stay curious?
Can you hear something difficult without immediately defending yourself?
Can you say you’re hurt without attacking?
Can you repair after an argument?
Can you disagree while maintaining respect?
Can you recognise when the conversation has become too activated to be productive?
Can you come back to it?
A healthy relationship isn’t one in which conflict never happens.
It’s one where conflict doesn’t continually destroy connection.
Communication Difficulties
People often arrive saying:
“We need to communicate better.”
Usually true.
But communication isn’t simply learning to phrase things politely.
You can use the world’s most perfect “I statement” while internally wanting to throw your partner into the sea.
Good relationship communication can involve learning how to:
- Express needs more clearly
- Listen without immediately preparing a defence
- Recognise escalation
- Take useful breaks
- Return to difficult conversations
- Ask questions rather than make assumptions
- Express vulnerability
- Set boundaries
- Make requests rather than demands
- Repair after conflict
- Tolerate disagreement
- Recognise what belongs to you and what belongs to your partner
Sometimes better communication isn’t about saying more.
It’s about changing what happens when something difficult is said.
Emotional Distance
Not every struggling couple fights.
Sometimes the relationship simply goes quiet.
You function.
Work.
Parent.
Cook.
Organise.
Pay bills.
Watch television.
Go to bed.
Repeat.
Nothing is dramatically wrong.
But somewhere along the way, you stopped really finding each other.
Couples therapy can help explore how that distance developed and whether there are ways to rebuild emotional connection, friendship, affection and intimacy.
Trust
Trust can be damaged in many ways.
Infidelity.
Secrets.
Financial decisions.
Repeated broken promises.
Addiction.
Dishonesty.
Emotional withdrawal.
Or years of smaller moments in which one person stopped feeling able to rely on the other.
Rebuilding trust isn’t usually accomplished by saying:
“You need to trust me.”
Annoyingly.
It generally requires understanding what happened, taking appropriate responsibility, establishing what safety and transparency look like now and allowing trust to rebuild through experience.
Relationship counselling can provide a structured space for those conversations.
Couples Therapy After Infidelity
An affair or other breach of relationship agreements can create enormous distress.
People may experience:
- Anger
- Grief
- Shock
- Obsessive questioning
- Shame
- Confusion
- Difficulty trusting
- Anxiety
- Uncertainty about whether the relationship can continue
Couples therapy doesn’t begin with the assumption that you should stay together.
And it doesn’t begin with the assumption that you should separate.
It can help you understand what has happened, determine what each person needs and explore what comes next.
For some couples, that means rebuilding.
For others, it means separating.
For others:
We genuinely don’t know yet.
That’s allowed too.
Intimacy and Sex
Sexual and emotional intimacy can change over the life of a relationship.
Stress.
Parenthood.
Illness.
Medication.
Hormonal changes.
Mental health.
Body image.
Pain.
Resentment.
Relationship conflict.
Different levels of desire.
All can affect intimacy.
Relationship counselling can create a space to talk about these experiences more openly.
Where concerns involve sexual pain, sexual dysfunction or other physical symptoms, appropriate medical or specialist assessment may also be important.
When You Become Parents
Having a baby can be beautiful.
It can also take two people who previously thought they communicated reasonably well and place them inside an elaborate sleep-deprivation experiment.
Roles change.
Time changes.
Sex changes.
Money changes.
Work changes.
Identity changes.
Suddenly you’re negotiating feeding, sleep, grandparents, household labour and who last emptied the nappy bin while functioning on approximately eleven minutes of REM sleep.
Relationship counselling can help couples navigate the enormous transition into parenthood and make space for the relationship as well as the family.
Parenting Conflict
People don’t enter parenthood as blank slates.
You bring:
Your childhood.
Your family.
Your culture.
Your beliefs.
Your fears.
Your ideas about discipline.
Your ideas about independence.
Your own experiences of being parented.
And then another person arrives with an entirely different collection.
Of course there can be conflict.
Therapy can help couples understand what sits underneath disagreements about parenting and work towards a more collaborative approach.
Money and Relationships
Money arguments are rarely only about numbers.
Money can represent:
Security.
Freedom.
Power.
Responsibility.
Success.
Scarcity.
Control.
Generosity.
Risk.
Different histories with money can create significant tension, even when both partners are behaving reasonably from their own perspective.
Relationship counselling can help you understand those differences and communicate more constructively about financial decisions.
We can’t make the mortgage disappear.
Regrettably.
But we can help with what happens between you when you talk about it.
Cross-Cultural Relationships
Relationships can bring together different:
- Cultures
- Religions
- Languages
- Family expectations
- Gender expectations
- Communication styles
- Parenting beliefs
- Traditions
- Ideas about independence and family responsibility
Differences don’t automatically create problems.
But assumptions about what is “normal” can.
Relationship counselling can create space to explore those differences without requiring one person’s cultural framework to become the default.
LGBTQIA+ Relationships
LGBTQIA+ people may experience many of the same relationship challenges as anyone else while also navigating experiences related to identity, discrimination, coming out, family acceptance, gender, community and minority stress.
Relationship counselling should be a place where your relationship is understood on its own terms rather than forced into assumptions about what relationships are supposed to look like.
Relationship Counselling for Individuals
You don’t need to arrive with a partner.
Individual relationship counselling can help if you’re:
- Recovering from a breakup
- Trying to understand repeated relationship patterns
- Dating
- Struggling with boundaries
- Unsure whether to stay in a relationship
- Navigating separation
- Experiencing family relationship difficulties
- Wanting to understand your attachment patterns
- Trying to communicate differently
- Working out what you actually want from relationships
Sometimes changing a relationship begins with one person changing how they participate in it.
Separation and Divorce
Not all successful couples therapy ends with a couple staying together.
Sometimes the work is about recognising that a relationship is ending and finding a way through that process with greater clarity and care.
Counselling may help people navigate:
- The decision to separate
- Communication during separation
- Grief
- Anger
- Co-parenting
- Changing roles
- Boundaries
- Uncertainty
- Conversations with children
The goal isn’t preserving a relationship at all costs.
It’s helping people move through difficult relational decisions as thoughtfully as possible.
Premarital and Preventative Relationship Counselling
You also don’t need a crisis.
Relationship counselling can be useful when things are going well.
Before marriage or another major commitment, you might explore:
- Communication
- Conflict
- Finances
- Sex
- Children
- Parenting expectations
- Family
- Culture
- Values
- Work
- Roles
- Future goals
Think of it less as:
Something is wrong with us.
and more as:
We’re building something important. Let’s actually talk about how we’re going to do it.
Approaches Used in Relationship Counselling
Relationship counselling may draw from established therapeutic approaches such as:
- Emotionally Focused Therapy – EFT
- Gottman-informed relationship therapy
- Acceptance and Commitment Therapy – ACT
- Cognitive Behavioural Therapy – CBT
- Attachment-informed approaches
- Mindfulness-based approaches
- Other contemporary counselling and psychotherapy frameworks
The approach used should depend on the people involved, the presenting concerns and the training and professional scope of the clinician providing the service.
You don’t need to know which acronym you need before you book.
That’s our job.
Emotionally Focused Therapy – EFT
Emotionally Focused Therapy is an attachment-based approach widely used in couples therapy.
Rather than focusing only on the content of arguments, EFT pays attention to the emotional responses and relationship patterns occurring underneath them.
For example:
“You never listen to me.”
might have something more vulnerable underneath it:
“When I can’t reach you, I feel like I don’t matter.”
And:
“You criticise everything I do.”
might contain:
“I’m scared I’m always going to disappoint you.”
Understanding those softer emotions doesn’t magically solve every relationship problem.
But it can change the conversation.
The Gottman Method
Gottman-informed couples work draws on decades of research into couple relationships and may focus on areas such as:
- Friendship
- Conflict
- Communication
- Emotional connection
- Repair
- Shared meaning
- Understanding each other’s inner worlds
Different clinicians may have different levels of Gottman training, so we don’t promise that every relationship counselling appointment follows a formal Gottman program.
Instead, these ideas may form part of the broader therapeutic approach where appropriate.
Do We Have to Talk About Childhood?
Maybe.
But not because every argument about unloading the dishwasher secretly began in 1987.
Past relationships and early experiences can influence how we understand closeness, conflict, trust, rejection and vulnerability.
Sometimes exploring that history is useful.
Sometimes the most useful work is focused much more directly on what is happening between you now.
Therapy should follow what’s relevant rather than assuming everything needs an archaeological excavation.
Will the Counsellor Take Sides?
Couples therapy isn’t supposed to be a courtroom.
The clinician’s role isn’t to decide who wins.
That doesn’t mean all behaviour is treated as equally reasonable.
A therapist may challenge either person.
They may identify behaviour that is harmful.
They may interrupt interactions that aren’t productive.
Balanced therapy doesn’t mean pretending both people are always contributing equally to every problem.
It means creating a therapeutic process that takes both people’s experiences seriously while remaining clear about responsibility and safety.
What About Family Violence or Coercive Control?
Relationship conflict and family violence are not the same thing.
In relationships involving current violence, intimidation, coercive control or fear, standard couples counselling may be unsafe or inappropriate.
The problem isn’t simply a “communication cycle” when one person is controlling or frightening the other.
Safety comes first.
If you’re frightened of your partner or unsure whether couples counselling is appropriate, individual support and specialist family violence services may be a safer starting point.
If you are in immediate danger, call 000.
In Australia, 1800RESPECT provides 24-hour support for people affected by domestic, family and sexual violence on 1800 737 732.
What Happens in the First Couples Therapy Session?
The first session is an opportunity to begin understanding:
- What brings you in
- What each person is experiencing
- The history of the relationship
- What has changed
- Patterns of conflict or disconnection
- Important strengths in the relationship
- What each person hopes might change
- Whether couples therapy is appropriate and safe
You don’t need to solve the relationship in session one.
That would be an ambitious Tuesday.
The first step is understanding what you’re working with.
What If My Partner Won’t Come?
You can still seek individual relationship counselling.
You can’t single-handedly control a relationship.
But you can explore your own responses, boundaries, choices, communication and patterns.
Sometimes one person’s changes alter the dynamic.
Sometimes they create clarity about what can’t be changed.
Both can be valuable.
What If We Don’t Know Whether We Want to Stay Together?
You don’t have to decide before attending.
Some people seek counselling specifically because they don’t know.
Therapy can provide a space to explore the relationship, each person’s experience and possible ways forward without requiring an immediate decision.
How Long Does Couples Therapy Take?
There isn’t a universal number of sessions.
It depends on:
- What brings you in
- How longstanding the difficulties are
- What you’re hoping to change
- The complexity of the relationship
- Whether there are significant trust injuries or other concerns
- How the work progresses
Some couples come for a relatively focused piece of work.
Others need longer.
Progress should be reviewed rather than assuming couples therapy continues indefinitely.
Do We Have to Be Married?
No.
Relationship counselling isn’t marriage counselling wearing a more modern outfit.
You can attend if you’re:
Dating.
Living together.
Married.
Engaged.
Separated.
Considering separation.
In a long-term partnership.
In another consensual relationship structure.
Or attending individually to understand relationships more broadly.
Frequently Asked Questions About Relationship Counselling
What’s the difference between couples therapy and relationship counselling?
The terms are often used interchangeably.
Both generally describe therapeutic work focused on relationship dynamics, communication, conflict, connection and other concerns affecting a couple or relationship.
Do we need a referral?
Generally, no referral is required to book private relationship counselling.
Funding and rebate arrangements vary according to the clinician and service.
Contact reception on (03) 9347 9247 if you’re unsure.
Can I come by myself?
Yes.
Individual relationship counselling can be useful whether or not your partner attends.
Will you tell us whether we should break up?
The aim isn’t for a therapist to make that decision for you.
Therapy can help you understand what is happening, what each person wants and what options exist.
What if we argue during the appointment?
Honestly, that can be useful.
Your therapist gets to see the pattern rather than only hearing both of you describe it afterwards.
The session provides an opportunity to slow the interaction down and understand what happens.
What if one of us talks more than the other?
Very common.
Your therapist will work to create space for both people.
Can couples therapy save our relationship?
No therapist can guarantee that.
Couples therapy may help improve understanding, communication and connection, but outcomes depend on many factors, including what is happening in the relationship and each person’s willingness and capacity to participate.
Sometimes therapy helps couples rebuild.
Sometimes it helps them separate more thoughtfully.
Can couples therapy help after an affair?
It may.
Therapy can provide structured support for understanding what happened, managing the impact of the betrayal and determining whether and how trust might be rebuilt.
Is couples counselling suitable where there is family violence?
Not always.
Where there is current violence, coercive control, intimidation or fear, standard couples therapy may be inappropriate or unsafe.
Specialist individual support should be considered.
Do you work with LGBTQIA+ relationships?
Our relationship counselling service is inclusive of LGBTQIA+ clients and relationships.
Can we attend via Telehealth?
Telehealth relationship counselling may be available.
Contact reception or check current booking options for availability.
Do we need to be in crisis?
No.
Some couples attend because they want to strengthen an already good relationship or prepare for a major transition.
Relationship Counselling in Carlton North, Melbourne
Relationships can be extraordinary.
And complicated.
And occasionally make you wonder how two intelligent adults have spent 47 minutes arguing about the precise tone in which somebody said:
“Fine.”
Usually, the word isn’t the whole story.
There are patterns underneath our conflicts.
Needs we struggle to articulate.
Old protections.
Different expectations.
Missed attempts at connection.
Things we’ve stopped saying.
Things we’ve said approximately six thousand times without feeling heard.
Relationship counselling gives you somewhere to slow all of that down.
Not to determine who is right.
Not to eliminate every disagreement.
Not to transform you into two permanently serene humans who communicate exclusively through emotionally sophisticated “I statements.”
But to help you understand what happens between you and whether something different can happen next.
Our Carlton North clinic is conveniently located for people seeking relationship counselling and couples therapy from Carlton, Fitzroy, Fitzroy North, Clifton Hill, Brunswick East, Northcote, Collingwood and Melbourne’s inner north.
Telehealth appointments may also be available for people elsewhere in Victoria and Australia.
Ready to Change the Pattern?
You don’t have to keep having the same fight.
Book Now!
Not Sure Which Appointment to Book? Contact Us on (03) 9347 9247